A Letter To My 6 Month Old Son

Xander Blake

A Letter To My 6 Month Old Son


Xander,

Today, you turn 6 months old.  Normally, I'm not in the business of celebrating half-birthdays, but this one is a milestone.  As I sit here and think about how much life has changed, I wanted to share all things going through my mind with you.  I'll try to get through it all, and I promise to try to not cry. 

You've been in my life for 6 months.  How has it been that long already??  And on the flip side of that, I can barely remember what life was like without you in it.  Here's what I do remember...

It was quieter.  There was no screaming or crying in the middle of the night.  There was no one fighting sleep in my arms because you don't want to miss anything.  If you're like me, the FOMO will be real for the rest of your life, so get used to that haha.  But if you are like me, you'll love sleep so much you'll deal with it.  

On that, there was more sleep.  I slept a lot more before you were here.  And did I already mention I love sleep?  Because I love sleep.

There was more "me" time.  One of my favorite things to do was drink my coffee first thing in the morning in silence.  I would sit and sip, scroll Facebook and Instagram, look at news stories for the day, check my email.  Let my mind slowly wake up and get ready for my day.  I would workout whenever I wanted and never had to worry about if the gym was offering childcare at that time.  I got my nails done a lot.  I had a standing hair appointment every six weeks.   I sometimes went to bed at 8:30p (again, the sleep.)  

There was more "extra money."  Not a lot, but there was some.  That's where the money for the nails and hair and gym membership and random "hey girl heyyyyy that shirt is so cute!" came from.  There was "oh I have been waiting for this book to come out!" money.  There was "let's go out" spur of the moment money.  We had a good time.  Life was good.

All of that was great.  I liked my life.  So here's how life is with you in it...

It's louder.  Remember when I said you cry at night and fight sleep?  That's one of my favorite times of the night.  Sometimes you'll scream and scream and I have to walk you and bounce you and ssh you to get you to fall asleep.  And sometimes there are nights where I'm so tired that I'm saying, "Xander, honey, please go to sleep."  And then you do.  Right in my arms.  And I slowing stop walking.  Slowly stop bouncing and sshing.  And I just stare.  I know you won't always fit in my arms, nor will you always want to be there.  So for now, I hold you a little longer, and sometimes I wait till my arms are asleep before I put you down.  I look at you, and then I close my eyes and try to sear how it feels into my mind because one day, not too long from now, this part of my life will all be memories, too.

It's also louder because you squeal.  A LOT.  And I LOVE IT.  Seriously, one of my favorite sounds in the world.  I would take that squeal over silence any day.  And you giggle.  You are the happiest baby.  You smile and my whole world lights up.  And in case you haven't caught on, you are my whole world. 

I don't sleep as much.  Sometimes you fall asleep early and then wake up at 9:30p and stay awake till 11:30p.  Sometimes you wake up at 3am hungry.  Most of the time, you're awake by 8am no matter what...even on Saturdays (apparently you don't get the sleep in memos...)  But all of this is totally okay, too.  When you wake up hungry, I love that I can pick you up and you stop crying.  When you wake up on Saturday mornings at 8am, you start to coo and look around for me and smile when you see me.  That is the best part of my morning.

The "me" time is now "you" time.  And I wouldn't trade it for the world.  The extra money goes to childcare (that's a whole other conversation cause that ish is just expensive), diapers, formula...and it goes to clothes and books and toys...but they are all for you.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love shopping for you.  My nails are rarely done.  My hair shows my, um, "wisdom" that I used to cover up.  I still have that gym membership...but finding time to go has been challenging.  My bedtime is usually around 11pm now.

Now I spend my mornings sipping coffee between fighting the bottle and staring at your precious face.  I wonder what kind of man you'll grown into.  I wonder what kind of kid you'll be...will you want to play with dirt all day?  Will you be a reader?  Will you be a jock?  A little of all three?  Sometimes I just try to remember exactly what you look like in that moment because your looks change so fast and I want to remember it all.

Here's the thing that I can tell you about has changed the most since you came into my life 6 months ago...there is more joy than I could have ever imagined.  More love than I knew my heart could hold.  And if the only thing I am ever known for is being Xander's Mom, than my life will be the most full it could ever be.  

So I fibbed about the not crying thing...I'm a crier.  You'll learn that.  I cry when I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm too excited.  Just get used it.  And right now, I'm wiping tears off my face in my office, counting down the minutes till I get to see my favorite thing.  YOU.

I love you, my little butter bean.

Love, Mommy

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